The Big Week HOFF: Anaconda III: Offspring (2008)

More like HOFFSPRING oh hohoho!

What happens when you mix horribly rendered giant CGI snakes, one loudmouth and badass HOFF, and an elite group of expendables?

The greatest line ever delivered.

(You only need to watch the first 30 seconds of this video to see it)

God damn it, this movie is awesome. I've watched it three times in the last 5 months. It's just so much FUN! John Rhys Davies makes an appearance, having worked together on Ring of the Musketeers. David Hasselhoff knows what to say and when to say it...and more importantly he knows how to kick ass AND chew bubblegum.

This is your standard science gone wrong story. They bred giant Anacondas to get some protein to cure some disease. John Rhys Davies pissed them off and they got loose. Now a group of nobodies with nothing to live for are recruited to bring them back or put them down. At first, they go off on their own, completely HOFFLESS, and a bunch are killed. Then the Hoff shows up to help, and the rest are killed. HAHAHAHA Oh well, it's worth it.

You know what's going to happens so you just let this movie deliver to you that piece of steak you enjoy so much. Sure, this has been done before but not with THE HOFF! He makes this movie great. He's shooting off his mouth, kicking some serious ass, bringing his A game. Worth your time.

Anaconda 3 is just a great Sunday afternoon time waster.

Sadly, this is the last Hoff post for the week. I planned to finish with Starcrash, a movie I heard had a Mullet sporting, Lightsabre wielding Hasselhoff. Unfortunately, the copy I bought isn't here yet so I don't have time to watch it and review it. I apologize for this grave injustice but when it does get here I will definitely fit that into my itinerary.

Have a great weekend everybody! Thank you for following my BIG WEEK HOFF!

The Big Week Hoff: Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

What do you get when you mix a low budget made for TV Marvel movie, an ancient Nazi supervirus, and over 300 of the greatest one liner's ever spoken?

EYE BOMB!

This was a pretty damn entertaining movie. I really wasn't expecting a whole hell of a lot but there really wasn't too much of a lull at all. The times when there should have been a lull, The Hoff was there shooting off his mouth to whoever was within earshot so it made it all that much more enjoyable.

This movie is written by David S. Goyer. You probably know him as the co-writer to Batman Begins or the Blade Trilogy. I remember him from his writing stylings of Demonic Toys, Kickboxer 2, and now NICK FURY: AGENT OF SHIELD. This guys credits are like a rollercoaster. For every really great hill there is just a deep valley immediately afterwards. I love it. It's all awesome, don't get me wrong, but holy shit he's great and he's terrible all at the same time. That's my favorite kinda guy: Awesomely Bad.

This movie is no exception. It's crazy, it's hammed up, it's full of fun. Comic Book fun. I won't even try to say I know anything about the comics outside what I've seen in the movies and heard from friends. There was a lot in this movie that I've seen before: Hydra was the evil terrorists that Nick Fury had to kill. SHIELD's secret base was the flying aircraft carrier as seen in The Avengers. Lots of cool little Marvel things here and there.

This movie goes something like this: Ages ago The Hoff put away a criminal mastermind. Now his daughter is taking over. They have a dangerous virus they are going to unleash in Manhattan and it's up to a one eyed Hoff to put her down.

HOLY HOFFPATCH HOFFMAN! The Hoff is a complete badass in this movie. He's got one eye, smokes cigars, and punches nearly everyone in the face. Or at the very least insults them. He's a one man wrecking crew. He was too much for the agency so they let him go but now that things are a little rough they need a man that doesn't do things the normal way. That man is The Hoff. THE EARTH'S MIGHTIEST HERO!

The Big Week Hoff: Ring of the Musketeers (1992)

What happens when you update the Three Musketeers for the 90's, mix in half a dozen subplots that loosely fit together, and plug in a gigantic B movie cast in a made for TV movie?

YOU GET THE HOFF PLAYING FIVE KEYBOARDS SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Synopsis:

In this rollicking update of the Dumas classic, the descendants of the original Musketeers may have exchanged horses for motorcycles, but they still fight injustice wherever they find it.

Ring of the Musketeers is currently playing on Netflix Instant (and YouTube). I figure me and about three other dudes have seen it. If you haven't...boy you are missing out on some epic Hoffness. He sings, he dances, he whips out swords for no reason at all. In fact, he really brings out his inner Adam West.

Why? Because this movie presents itself exactly like the 60's Batman. They're sitting down to dinner, then suddenly the Musketeer emblem will flash and beep. ACTION! Then they meet up with John Rhys-Davies to learn their next assignment. ACTION! Then they come up with a plan, tell 3 terribly hilarious jokes (only funny because they're all delivered by Cheech Marin), then they kick some bad guy ass.

Oh, and they all ride motorcycles. Because horses are for pussies.

The basic plot is there is this bad dude doing bad things. First, he kidnaps a boy and the Musketeers must save him. Then he does some shady police stuff and the Musketeers must stop that. Althewhile battling their innerselves NOT to be vigilantes and just cut the head off the snake. (Which they eventually do, catching up to the bad guy and putting a stop to his bad deeds.)

There's 3 Musketeers right? And they wear rings. Because having the secret club ring automatically makes you a crime fighting ass kicker. Well, ole Cheech Marin robs an old lady blind and happens across the sacred 4th ring. While attempting to elude the police, he decides to become the 4th Musketeer. He's pretty terrible at it but with the help of his mentor, The Hoff, he changes his ways and becomes an pretty productive member of the group.

Yeah...that all happens. This movie is crazy. Somebody actually felt the need to update the 3 Musketeers to the 90's...then make it a made for TV movie...then cast the chick from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Cheech, some German guy, the other guy from Indiana Jones, AND THE HOFF!

Whoever did that, *tips hat*, thank you. It was spectacular.

This movie is bad. It's entertaining but it's bad. It's easily the most made for TV looking made for TV movie ever. But THE HOFF PLAYS 5 KEYBOARDS WHILST SPORTING SIMPLY EXTRAVAGANT FACIAL HOFF.

BRILLIANT!

This is the best I could find for a trailer:

The Big Week Hoff: Piranha 3DD (2012)

What happens when you let Pirahna invade a water park, jam in more tits than a cattle barn, and let pussy invading piranha chomp of sex cocks?

The Hoff playing mini-casio and doing two chicks at the same time.

God Bless America.

I have no idea why this movie was suddenly scrapped from a Theatrical release. I was actually looking forward to going out to see this thing in 3DD. It looked like they amped up everything and it looked like a good time...come on, THE HOFF...but they pulled it for some reason and it was straight to VOD for me.

I don't know if I'd say this movie is amped up from the first one but I think it's fair to say that the gore to tit ratio is about on par. This movie to me delivered everything I wanted to see so much better than the first one. I really didn't care for the first one. Sure it was kinda fun but it was more annoying than anything. This movie just says "fuck it" and runs with it. And that's exactly what this series needed. It's not serious, it's exploitative, just do it!

I was a little worried going into this thing because of the director, John Galuger. The first movie I ever saw of his was Feast. LOVED that movie. I thought it was fun, scary, gory, crazy, and just an all around good time. In a Tremors kind of way. Then he made Feast 2 & 3...which were good in their own way but the guy literally took a pad and paper, wrote down cool ideas, and constructed a story within the Feast universe out of that. It's one of the few times I'll admit that it was total garbage. It was too far all over the place that it didn't make sense and really wasn't all that enjoyable.

Not the case with Piranha 3DD. His focus is more tuned into the task at hand. Forget the robots and the midgets, this movie just has tits everywhere, the water park, and a fuckton of Piranha looking to eat people in hilarious ways.

And did I mention that Ving Rhames has a SHOTGUN LEG!

THE HOFFNESS

LOOK! He's on Hoffwatch! HAHAHAHA

In this movie, The Hoff plays himself. (and even when he's playing a character, he's still acting like himself.) The water park gets David Hasselhoff to guest appear at the grand opening of the water park. Nobody really knows who he is but that's ok, he's there kicking ass as always. He befriends a little ginger kid who he consistently rips on. "Little Ginger Moron." HAHA

This movie explores all angles of the Hoff. His love side with the above clip. His Baywatch side with...everything else. He rips his shirt off and runs in slow mo, the only way to run.

It sadly takes half the movie to get to The Hoff, but when it does it's just great.

I'm taking next week Hoff.

David Hasselhoff. A man among guys. He is what we all wish we were. That guy. Everyone knows him but mostly from his internet memes and alcohol enduced headlines. Not me. I remember him as Spongebob's surfboard but mostly from his movies...those movies that barely exist. And next week I plan to celebrate them with 5 full days of the Hoff, THE BIG WEEK HOFF!

There is no doubt that The Hoff has made some sort of impact on our lives. Allow me to show you just how great he is. Until then...

Quick thoughts on The Aggression Scale

So I watched The Aggression Scale last night and wanted to say a couple things. If you don't know what that movie is...its basically Home Alone if it were rated R. So kid sets traps and kills bad guys violently...as god intended.

I recommend it. It took half the movie to get going anywhere...but so did Home Alone so it's about on par as far as pacing goes. But come on...rated R!

Even with all that greatness...I wanted more. Don't get me wrong...what was presented was pretty satisfying and made sense within the universe this movie exists.

When I say I wanted more, I guess I just expected a few things. Like a booby trap montage. I was hoping to get teased with some trap building and then just witness the aftermath. But that didn't happen. What happened was pretty much just a kid going on the offensive against a group of assholes.

I was waiting for a more exploitative angle to this movie too. Right away when I saw the sister I was thinking, "she's getting raped in about 10 minutes." And they even set it up...she's cute, thin, doesn't know how to wear pants, and when the killers show up...she's in the shower. Naked and wet. Now, I don't need a rape scene, and they are overused and often times unnecessary but this movie could have benefited from a powerful revenge angle. Something for the audience to really hate these guys and enjoy they're eventual deaths all that much more.

It could've been so much more brutal too. I think only two guy's deaths were actually creative and insane...a number far too low for something like this. But those two deaths were almost worth it. Actually...they were.

I liked the cast. I liked the story. I liked how the kid just went into full on Rambo mode once the baddies showed up. In the end, I'd say this movie is a success by the pacing this movie put forth but it still left me wanting more.